Shit, Fuck, Damn.

Yep, I said it, and I honestly don’t believe God cares. This blog is going to piss a lot of theologian and religious types off (not to mention my parents). If you’re the type where everything is black and white, right or wrong, stop reading now. You’re not going to get it. This is for those of us wading through the waters of the 21^st century, trying to find faith and God in a broken world where pain and suffering, selfish greed, and cruel and corrupt intentions rule the world we live in. This is about a journey of faith; it’s not a bible lesson in faith.

As I write this, I feel closer with Jesus than I ever have in my life, and I can’t tell you where my bible is. I think it’s upstairs in a drawer in a dresser, but I haven’t seen it since I moved in a year ago. I do have a bible on my desk at work and I keep a copy of “My Utmost For His Highest” by Oswald Chambers there, that I’ll start with on days when I get to work unfocused, so it’s not like I don’t refer to one of these every once in a while, but I’m not a bible “studier”, yet. Maybe one day I’ll walk down that road with Jesus, but we’re not there now, and at this point, I can tell you that I don’t think it’ll be any time soon, because right now, what God wants from me is to be in a relationship with his son, Jesus.

I believe in Jesus. I want to live with Jesus and grow in him. That being said I’m far from perfect; far from a theologian or a bible beater. My favorite word is four letters and it begins with an F and my mother will be horrified at that admission. There isn’t an ounce of my being that considers myself a missionary or that is out to save lost souls, I don’t wear my faith on my sleeve. It’s become so very un-PC to go to church and worship a Lord who requires us to “die to self” in our, oh so very selfish society. And I believe that 90% of “Christians” give Jesus a bad name and I really don’t want to be one of those people.

As Ghandi said, “I like your Christ, but not your Christians, for they are so very unlike your Christ”. Tragic isn’t it, since he is referring to the Christ child. Christians typically judge so harshly others, even in their own Christian circles. Why would my friends say “hmmm, I need a little more of that in my life?” Jesus commanded us to love one another and we’re willing to do that when they’re shoeless or hungry. We feel sorry for those people with less and we want to help. But what about our contemporaries? Our neighbors, our friends, our co-workers? Are we loving THEM like Christ love us? Are we reflecting the kind Jesus we’re supposed to be on earth representing?

I see it in my own church, in my own workplace (a ministry) and, admittedly, in my life (there’s just so much fodder that I often can’t help it! ;-p). But I believe it pisses God off to no end. More now than ever, I believe Jesus is begging us to treat EVERYONE with loving kindness and without any trace of condemnation in order to win them over to his team. The end is near, the time is now, yet we are missing the message. It is his job to change hearts and behaviors through conviction. His grace makes that conviction far less painful than the judgment of another human being.

When we convict others, knowingly or unknowingly we build up the resistance. God does ask us to “die to self”. Not really a popular modus operandi these days. No one wants to give up their independence and put themselves in such a vulnerable position. This is not a popular theme among today’s culture. People have walls up around their hearts built higher than ever. Human to human conviction only adds to that wall for the one being persecuted, making harder for Jesus to penetrate through that heart and transform that life, the right way.

My intention in writing this blog is not to “save all the lost souls”. It is just to share my walk with whoever is interested. For me, it took reaching that point where I was so miserable and unhappy that I did not want control of my life any more. I wanted someone else to take the reins and make the decisions; and if everything I have ever been taught in church was right, it was now or never. For others, it is that “is this all there is” moment. Where they have gotten everything they could ever want but it still doesn’t make sense. Others still may have never known peace and happiness and are simply ready for a change. Whatever has brought you to the point where you’re reading this blog, I pray that you’ll open your mind a little bit and perhaps your heart as well.

Some of my closest friends don’t know how much I rely on my faith, that it sustains me and that’s it’s why I do things the way that I do. They know I go to church, but they don’t know that my Jesus lives at my grandmother’s house in South Georgia or that he dances with me in my kitchen. Perhaps that’s because I fear they’d think me a quack (even if they are really good stories!). For me, it’s a very personal attribute and I really don’t want to do anything else that would turn people away from a God that loves with so much forgiveness and devotion.

You see, as Sandra Bullock so eloquently put it recently, “the IED explosion that became my personal life”, has brought me to the point where I’m finally writing what I was called to write when I was a sophomore in high school. The good news is that with Jesus, there is always good that comes out of the bad. There is always a reason, when we can’t see it. There is a book, even though I have no clue what it’s about. We can always find peace in the fact that he knows the end of the story and if we’ll be patient and stop trying to get in his way, we’ll be brought into the fold and all will be revealed. As I begin writing, I can tell you that I don’t know how it will end, nor do I even have a clear idea of what to write. What I do know, is that through the war zone that became my personal life I’ve learned a few things and I believe that God’s ready for me to share those.

I’ll be quite honest in saying that I’m terrified of sharing my thoughts, convictions and feelings with the world. I was raised to keep private, private. All of this is extremely unnerving to me but I know it will be a hell of a journey and I’m pretty damn excited about it! This is me going full throttle. No regrets. Making this life count for something.