the faithful ramblings a late bloomer. . .

the faithful musings of a four letter word user on a quest for authenticity.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Next Fall

Almost a year ago, I had my first real divine revelation. While I have heard “that still small voice” on many occasions, this was the first where I honestly heard God speaking to me.

On the flight home to North Carolina last Thanksgiving, I succumbed to what has become an all too often occurrence for me when flying, an uncontrollable and overwhelming bout of sadness. Every flight I have been on in the last three years, I have found myself crying, and this flight was no exception.

It makes me lonely. I don’t really know why the loneliness manifests itself so keenly since during my 8 year marriage I primarily traveled solo. Because of his demanding work schedule I can count on one hand the number of flights we actually took together. It’s the knowledge that there’s no one at home missing me or waiting to hear if I arrived safely, and that a quiet, empty home awaits my return that gets me every time though.

Considering the proximity to the holiday season, you can probably imagine the exacerbated state of my emotions when I was flying for Orlando to Greenville/Spartanburg last Thanksgiving. The result of which ended up being an all out battle with God. I let him have it in my mind, thinking: “Why? Why? Why? What are you going to do about this? None of this fair, yada yada.” To which, he replied, “Next Fall”. “NEXT FALL????” I responded. “NEXT FUCKING FALL??? What in the hell am I supposed to do in the mean time, you jerk?” “Get ready”, he said. UUUGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At this point, I’m pretty sure I may have told my most merciful and holy God that I hated him. Good thing he’s forgiving.

I got over it though, went about my merry way, and endured the dreaded holidays. During that time though, I decided that “Next Fall” was simply not an acceptable answer, and I would continue on my quest. Considering I was keenly aware of how I had simply been letting life happen to me for the first 30 years, the idea of waiting around for a year for the love of my life to waltz up to my door and knock on it simply wasn’t sitting well with me. I must be proactive, I thought. I had to put myself out there, I thought. I thought WRONG.

So, here I sit, alone, with “next fall” quickly becoming next winter, wondering if my refusal to “let go and let god”, may have set me back a little bit. The good news is that while I’m reflecting on the last year, I can see that I did, in fact, “get ready”.

Knowing full well that I didn’t enter 2010 with the patience God would have delighted in, I find myself asking what three happenings highlighted the past year? The answer: I had my heart broken, I began running seriously and I finally started writing. (Whew, two out of three ain’t bad)!!!

Those are three most profound events of the last year for me, and what I find most interesting is that each one, directly fed into to the next. Without yet another failed relationship, I wouldn’t have had the time to get serious about running, which gave me the structure I needed, and the time alone with my thoughts to finally get down to business about the writing. The latter events have each given me the self confidence and purpose I needed to find acceptance within myself.

Perhaps what God was telling me was that “next fall” I would be ok with me.


  1. There's a line I love from the movie Dogma in which Ben Affleck's character, an arc-angel, is explaining his frustration with God for getting kicked out of Heaven. He doesn't understand why God didn't forgive him, yet with humans he displays "infinite *bleeping* patience." I think about that line when I get impatient with God. I think about how arrogant it is to ask God to 'hurry it up'.

    "Listen, Big Guy. I know you're my creator and the master of all things and You know what you're doing, but do you mind getting this show, as it pertains to me, on the road. Quite frankly, your timeline is impeding on my happiness, and - how do I say this? - You need to step it up, dude."

    I might as well be saying that b/c that phrase is as equally ridiculous as questioning His plan and His will.

    I am so glad you're finding strength, redemption and healing in your writing, and I want you to know it will continue to get better the more you write and capture your feelings and emotions. It takes a special and brave person to share those feelings and emotions with the world, but then again I've always known you are special and strong.

    Thank you again for sharing.

  2. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

    - Maya Angelou

    You have this in spades my friend. Spades. Thank you so much for always making those around you feel special!