Next Fall

Almost a year ago, I had my first real divine revelation. While I have heard “that still small voice” on many occasions, this was the first where I honestly heard God speaking to me.

On the flight home to North Carolina last Thanksgiving, I succumbed to what has become an all too often occurrence for me when flying, an uncontrollable and overwhelming bout of sadness. Every flight I have been on in the last three years, I have found myself crying, and this flight was no exception.

It makes me lonely. I don’t really know why the loneliness manifests itself so keenly since during my 8 year marriage I primarily traveled solo. Because of his demanding work schedule I can count on one hand the number of flights we actually took together. It’s the knowledge that there’s no one at home missing me or waiting to hear if I arrived safely, and that a quiet, empty home awaits my return that gets me every time though.

Considering the proximity to the holiday season, you can probably imagine the exacerbated state of my emotions when I was flying for Orlando to Greenville/Spartanburg last Thanksgiving. The result of which ended up being an all out battle with God. I let him have it in my mind, thinking: “Why? Why? Why? What are you going to do about this? None of this fair, yada yada.” To which, he replied, “Next Fall”. “NEXT FALL????” I responded. “NEXT FUCKING FALL??? What in the hell am I supposed to do in the mean time, you jerk?” “Get ready”, he said. UUUGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At this point, I’m pretty sure I may have told my most merciful and holy God that I hated him. Good thing he’s forgiving.

I got over it though, went about my merry way, and endured the dreaded holidays. During that time though, I decided that “Next Fall” was simply not an acceptable answer, and I would continue on my quest. Considering I was keenly aware of how I had simply been letting life happen to me for the first 30 years, the idea of waiting around for a year for the love of my life to waltz up to my door and knock on it simply wasn’t sitting well with me. I must be proactive, I thought. I had to put myself out there, I thought. I thought WRONG.

So, here I sit, alone, with “next fall” quickly becoming next winter, wondering if my refusal to “let go and let god”, may have set me back a little bit. The good news is that while I’m reflecting on the last year, I can see that I did, in fact, “get ready”.

Knowing full well that I didn’t enter 2010 with the patience God would have delighted in, I find myself asking what three happenings highlighted the past year? The answer: I had my heart broken, I began running seriously and I finally started writing. (Whew, two out of three ain’t bad)!!!

Those are three most profound events of the last year for me, and what I find most interesting is that each one, directly fed into to the next. Without yet another failed relationship, I wouldn’t have had the time to get serious about running, which gave me the structure I needed, and the time alone with my thoughts to finally get down to business about the writing. The latter events have each given me the self confidence and purpose I needed to find acceptance within myself.

Perhaps what God was telling me was that “next fall” I would be ok with me.